What Love Is

What Love Is


Disclaimer: I don't own SD boys, Inoue does. The events that follow are not included in the original plot but enjoy anyway. (Hindi ako ang nagmamayari sa mga tauhan ng SD, si Inoue ang gumawa sa kanila. Ang mga sumusunod na pangyayari ay hindi kasama sa tunay na istorya pero magsaya ka na lang kahit papaano '--')

Summary lines make up lyrics of a number of mushy love songs. Name them if you want; I didn't compose them.


Summary: Love is a many splendored thing. Love is the answer. Love takes time. Love is a battlefield. Love hurts, love scars. Love will tear us apart. Love breaks your heart...finally. One shot. SenRu-SenMit.




No matter what shove I give to rake into a pile the shattered pieces of my past, my rigor only seems too deficient to even manage a handful of rubbles; and once luck lets me get hold of a grain they all begin to whisk away with the winds to cram themselves behind a shut door that'd never unlatch for me. There an image would flit through my pensive thoughts, like a shaft of steel zooming through a swirl of clouds to completely undo its peaceful business of painting the skies. They would pose often as empty pictures, these quick snatches of memories that trickle away in horrendous speed after being gabbed to be recognized, and always they are irrespective of the messages they convey and oblivious to any audience. Supposing the event is crucial to my ‘prefigurement’, I'd never really know; this deja vu just keeps on opening before me like a nameless corpse that reaches its hands to pull me away from the utter forgetfulness that has ceaselessly contaminated me, but all the while it has never succeeded. For what reason need I be reconciled with my past like that, only hell can tell. Nothing would make me recall the days when I was undergoing a metamorphosis. Those very days had leached away to oceans of tears and time long parched down to the Earth's thickest crust; and to ransack it is no easier than digging a cemented grave with bare fingers. Those insentient frames would go on flashing before my mind in an elliptic pattern that never ends, but they're merely inane pictures that can't alert even the most reminiscent of feelings. But from these nimble instances I learned that I need to get back, because if I don't I would be lost and with me shall go Kaede Rukawa, whom I loved. I need to write this thing about him; it's the only way to reconstruct the burnt bridge of things that were between and around us, regardless if the hands of time only follow a single direction and that is, to the future, never to the past. It's the only way to preserve our existence together which had long ago vacated a special place inside me; and I need it packed with something worth remembering, if not with his evanescent love for me.

---

The moon hung low in the sky that night, limpid, as the stars around were like strobes. Rustles of winds could be heard streaming by the leaves that dangled on their branches. White foggy breath emit from the freezing lips of the people around. Besides the thunderous claps of waves against the rocky shores, everything was serene; not a wisp of cloud in the dark horizon. It was a rather cold evening we were relishing by the dank sea side; we were nestled there, Kaede and I. It should've been a great jolly night had not the feel of the atmosphere seemed to me a constituent for a heartache recipe. I was right, of course; it was.


'I think Ryonan would go as far as to the Nationals this year. We've worked twice as hard as any team in the league, that I can assure. I just hope that when that time comes, we wouldn't have to face each other, and that you'd do just as good.'

Kaede's deadpan of a face changed its expression and tilted into a faded smirk. He held me in long enough to make me feel less comfortable, and after a while he responded in what seemed to be a gesture that was a little more than a grunt.

I sat tight-lipped. There was no need to pursue another random talk; Kaede was never the kind to offer a word in exchange. And strange as it was, I simply loved it when he made no effort to parry or equivocate my statements; it made me feel controlled, and it was only during that time that I had someone who had command over me. It was this feeling I missed most; for the first time in my life someone was applying his power on me. I never had that till he came.

'I've made up my mind, Akira.' He stood up. Outwardly, his face was grazed by no feeling; but behind this stiffness, I could feel a surge of emotions creeping out.

'What?' I asked, acknowledging both the eerie look on his face and his sudden, un-centered will to call it a night.

'I'm playing in America.'

It was succinct as that; no holds barred, no strings attached. He decided to dive along with the pivotal moment that could define what glory was to him, and with that look of longing on the surface of his eyes' stillness; I knew he couldn't have asked for anything more than flying abroad and be an internationally acclaimed athlete. All that passed between us lost their point at that precise second; the only bright spot in this bore of a life I've been leading is boarding off somewhere I could only dream of setting a shoe on. I could not for the life of me adopt a more jocular tone with him other than the sullen one I could give as an answer, lame as it was. It was this mode of speaking that could reflect the weary pain rattling inside me; but he was blind to it.

'That'd be good for you.' Was my short reply. It was a voice garnished with the very same irony of the commonplace reply I just gave, like a stellar brightness redounding on the pools of my eyes, completely contradictory to what it had under its sheets.

'You'd be alone then.'

'If you stay,' I let out a staccato sigh then, 'I won't be.'

'I can't. I should go.'

No person had showed that much of self-centered confidence to me, or at least I have not known such guile thing as his well-cared-for self -obsession. How much would it take to feed his ego? It was like a hungry beast that's got a bottomless well for a stomach. Everything that came as an obstruction for his self development had to be annihilated from the face of the Earth, even if that poor something was me. The world did not simply revolve around him; It revolved FOR him and for this reason, I had to bow out to give way to his interests. There seemed to be no limit to anything he could want and likewise, there was no limit to anything that could be given to him. That was his world; mine was altogether different. But differences weren't a bother; we were inseparable, solid as one, and completely in need of each other. Once upon a time, that was.

Kaede took off when his sophomore year started. I can't relate the sadness I felt at the time; a thorn was permanently embedded on my flesh and as corny as it sounds, eternal pain was all that suited it. All those dreams had been detonated in one go; and all I could keep with me were the extant memories of our times together which were bound to be stuffed in a casket over time. But he made me pledge not to forget. And he was right; otherwise, I wouldn't be stealing glitches from tainted memories of the past, pathetically struggling to make anything out of them.

'Would you promise me one thing?'

It was one of those rare times when Kaede would bother to come up with a whole sentence.Nevertheless I realized, out of mutuality, that he was getting dramatic on me for the very first time and also, for the last time. This wasn't like his usual method of bidding farewell; I sensed that perhaps I was an exception, grand as that migth sound. Maybe I did have a place, if not special, in that chilly heart of his, maybe I made up a portion of his absolute being. Perhaps.

'Sure.' I answered. That was all and everything there was as answer. It was complete honesty; but in hell's deeper truth, I would've died trying to dissuade him to fly. I would've sprung right in front of the plane if that would stop the pilot steering the pad, I would fain lose both of us in a crash. But no supplication could alter his wont, no amount of tears could even partly melt the solid substance of his heart; most of all, he was bound to leave me without overlooking it anyway.

'Remember our first night together, the night by the shore, and this one.'

That was easy as hell. It would be as natural as continuing to breathe, but it would be painful beyond imagination.

'That’s one half duty; sure thing. But that counts three; you only asked for one.' I forced a laugh.

'Get serious.' He paused. 'If you don't we'll both get lost.'

Like I was not lost already; but he...he lost his marbles for abandoning me like this. This detriment is too real to forget and perhaps, too precious to prolong. It would take epochs to kill it by laughter and good times; but even if that might be, it would go on and on, hurting me.

'There's too much about you that one can't help remembering. It's impossible to get you off my mind; you're just too remarkable even for my standards...'

I squinted an eye on his face; there I saw an untenable depth of sympathy and sorrow that was foreign to me. It was full of expression; everything that suggested suffering was there, just like the aging picture of Dorian Gray that bore the motley crimes, the invidious sins, and the sorrows of the sitter for the sake of gaining immortal beauty. It was just heart-rending and to think that it was because time had been gathered and spent by both of us; it made me weak. That was the final expression I've seen on his face; sad, broken hearted, and sickly. It was a telltale of many stories, sad stories about love concocted with throes of bitterness, a love that had waxed and waned after being constricted at a price, a love that was fossilized by a selfish ambition, a love that would lose its charm in spite of the forget-me-not promise attached to it. There was no point glossing over the event; it was ugly enough to place between us the space and time linking night and day.

Eons died after another; to recuperate seemed a far cry from me. Kaede Rukawa never returned but he remained interminable in my mind. Always he was there, seeming to remind me of all that he was as if afraid I'd let go of my promise. The recollections of his face gripped my brain tight enough to leave marks on it; and it only made me feel deflated, like I was slated to remain empty for all the time being. But somebody came and swapped the loneliness out of my days with laughter. Hisashi Mitsui would've been the living elixir of this moribund life in me. He had me resuscitated after I'd been drowned in despair, by wagging away the black fog that had taken shelter in me, he had brought me back to the daylight. He was everything I wanted to be and everything I would've wished for; he was like a far away star that'd never stop enticing me but unlike a real one, Mitsui reached out to me. His smile was enough to summon all that was good in this world and his eyes...they were like azure balls of fire that could absorb all the weariness in me and cast it away till it smoked out to nothing. He was pleasure and salvation, loveliness and perfection, bliss and laughter; he made my life operative once again, and he made me forget.

It was months ago when I ran into him in a sports apparel store somewhere inside Y______ mall. When he caught a glance of me, I knew he didn't hesitate to walk up and stir up a warm conversation. It would've been impossible to deflect the talk about Kaede Rukawa; it was inevitable that it would come up anyway. Hisashi Mitsui knew about Rukawa and I, but he was frank and upfront about the subject. I don't think he made a matter of being discreet when he referred to his team mate; he was yakking away like talking about Rukawa in front of his left alone lover was as ordinary as discussing the weather.


'Rukawa had been planning that as Coach Anzai said. It didn't come as a surprise to me though. I always knew he thought too high of himself and little Japan wasn't enough for him. You know I sometimes think he was a big bait for our team; he would've brought Shohoku to a championship a couple of years from now. But Rukawa, well, he had hopes that didn’t involve this team. A rather sad resolution for a squad as capable as ours.' Mitsui said in a sing-song. He was completely indifferent to my feelings.

'I always thought he was special.' I replied. I couldn't believe my ears; there I was making a comment about Rukawa when his name hadn't effused from my mouth for God knows how many months then.

'Extraordinary guy, I'd say. But he was hard in the head. I wonder what made you two together. Hey, no offense meant but I used to think you just didn't synchronize. Know what I mean?' Mitsui said. An apologetic smile was flouncing on his perfectly chiseled visage.

'Sort of. But things don't have to be alike in love, it would've been plain.' I answered, thinking how I was carrying on with the flow of this shenanigan. Here, I realized that I was touching on a sacred subject.

'Oh, variety comes in handy then? A rather peculiar view you have there.' Mitsui smiled humorously. He adjusted his gaze to the digital Nike* watch wrapped around his wrist and turned to me, 'There's plenty of time to kill; care for a cup?'

'Sure.'

We sat in a coffee shop to grab a sip and continued to chat. It was ages ago since I went out for a walk. Being with Mitsui had rejuvenated both my physical and emotional strength. I didn't know if it was right to feel that way; all I knew was that it was too early to be feeling at home with this guy. But his charm was such that I couldn't help feeling renewed. One minute I was still blanched in dark grief, the next one I felt myself smiling in intuition. What he had was incomparable with what Rukawa had; everything in Mitsui was natural and beautiful whereas in Rukawa there was only coldness and perhaps naturalness was in him also. It was unfair to think that way but I knew I was changed and that was a good sign. Mitsui and I started going out for good time's sake after that. He sought me out, I sought him out. I grew to love listening to his thoughts; often he was asking me questions that seemed only too odd to be taking time with and if I couldn't give an answer, he'd voice himself out, not caring if he sounded absurd. It was sheer fun to be with him prattling about silly jokes and daft people and all the hilarity of this world and I simply loved it that way. But there was one thing we kept our fingers off; the topic on Rukawa. The second we stepped on the coffee shop that day, all words that were suggestive of Rukawa were sawed off from our vocabulary. His name became a taboo and to bring him up was blasphemy. Unconscious of his pandemic influence on me, Mitsui kept on making me forget the deep rooted pain of my past. He wasn't deliberately obliterating Rukawa from my memories, he didn't know he was; the lavish beauty of his face was enough for me to forget my own name, what more of Rukawa? I knew this shouldn't be but ounce by ounce, Rukawa's image would vanish by a fleeting moment and before I could retrieve it, Mitsui would be there as if coming to the rescue.


I lay on my bed one chilly night in April. Fierce amount of rain was nuzzling out from the gay clouds outside; a roll of thunder and lightning was singing along. The winds were howling against my windowpane and no matter what I plug on my ears its sound just kept on permeating the solid glass. I was digging for what to do or what to think regardless of the mobbing noise of rain, until I caught a glimpse of the Spalding* leather ball at the corner. It was Rukawa's present for my 17th birthday. This time I decided to devote my isolation to the memory of Rukawa; it was decades since I last thought of him. Maybe because I was still shackled by the promise I made him and still bound to fulfill it that I chose to open this gritty skeleton from my closet. He said something about being lost if I forgot about him and those nights, thanks to the endless days of lament I never once went over those phrases. But then, they were still hollow. I couldn't figure it out with the proper light because Rukawa's last minute words were as they were; nothing's behind them. And yet why would he make me swear something that could do without a pledge; to remember him, well that was just natural. I put it then to my head to spread out the matter with Mitsui; it wasn't the best idea but this guy was dab for solving riddles; and besides, he knew Rukawa. The next day found me and Mitsui inside a coffee shop.

'You sure you wanna talk about him? Wouldn't it be hell to bring him up? I mean, you've had your mouth clammed on Rukawa for God knows how many months and now you just pop up here wanting to be reminded; something's gone awry, really.' Mitsui said, propping up his chin to palm it with his left hand. It seemed like he was there all along with Rukawa and I; the mere hint of familiarity in his voice made me think he knew everything I went through even before we'd gone intimate with each other.

'Hisashi, I made a promise to Rukawa, I think it would be a crime to break it.' I answered solemnly, ignoring his words on the whole.

'Am I getting on your way?' He frowned, flinching a little at the misguided impression I made on him.

'That's beside the point. It's just that...all this time I've been heedless of what that promise means to me and him. I'm coming to loose ends here; I can't tell if it meant more than it sounded to me, knowing Rukawa, but it just came to me last night that it wouldn't be as simple as that and what's sad is that I can't register it with anything sensible.'

'Did you just bite more than you could chew? And what promise? Does it run against our current condition?' Mitsui said. I could tell from his look that he was ready to help no matter what it would cost him.

'He just told me not to forget him and I've placed my word on it.'

'He loved you, that's all.' Was Mitsui's short reply.

'I was thinking about something grander, something that would put me through hell. He just told me not to forget him as if it were a hard feat, and if he loved me enough he would've asked for something more challenging to accomplish as a proof at least.' I complained.

'Promises are-' Mitsui gave it a start but,

'Meant to be broken. That's bullcrap, I don't subscribe to that shit.' I finished with a scowl.

'Keep your cool; that just doesn't sum it up. It's not what I was gonna say, only unscrupulous louts buy that. Look here, Akira, promises are made to define the meaning of dilemma, to give one no choice but to proceed to what he is loath to do. Rukawa made you promise not to forget him because it's likely that at any means, you would. I don't know how much was there between you two but however it was, it wasn't strong enough to remain forever and he knew that, admit it or not.' Mitsui said in reproof.


'He wasn't witty enough to think up anything like that. You know him; he doesn't even talk, much less think about what's gonna happen.' I protested.

'Quiet people think most; chatty ones like you often don't have the keenness. Maybe that's why you missed it.' Mitsui said.

'Ouch. That's a low blow.'

'No offense meant, mate. But come to think of it; Rukawa did put a hidden meaning in it. But you've broken your word already by wandering off beyond the path. You must've forgotten him a countless times after he's gone off.' Mitsui said. It wasn't an insult; there was no malice in his tone.

'No, I haven't forgotten about him; otherwise I wouldn't be here trying to figure him out.' Even I wasn't sure about it.

There was a pause. Mitsui puffed up a cigarette; I reclined to my chair to recover the whole scenario during Rukawa's flight. Then I was swallowed by his last piercing words,

'Hisashi, he stressed on one thing; he said we'd both be lost if I failed to remember.' I began. 'I don't get it.'

Mitsui's expression was suddenly replaced by a discomfited seriousness. He squinched up his face for a second and locked himself in silent steadiness.

'Getting lost...I don't know.' He said, seeming too uneasy to manage a whole sentence.

'Not even a tingle of light? Come on, Hisashi, you can do better than that. You're probably the best interpreter I've seen; don't tell me you're in the dark at it.' I said.


'No. What I meant was that I don't know if I should be giving you an advice. I've read a book that shares the same theme, you know, that forget-me-not thing and believe me, it's heart-breaking. If you're gonna pounce me on don't expect me to sugar-coat it, it would be sad. ' He said. There was a sympathetic glimmer in his eyes that I'd never seen before.


'It wouldn't hurt to mouth out an opinion. After all, freedom of speech is the rock of this relationship, right?' I pressed on.

'Okay, here's what I think; Rukawa has given much of his true self to you, it's only through and with you that he felt he was quite what he really is. He's never felt like that with anyone else, even with himself. And when you were there he could be everything that he wanted to be. He wanted you to remember because by leaving you he knew that that feeling of reality would drift away from him and the only way to get it back is for you to remind him of what he really was. If you forget, then, he'd sure be lost. Now the question is; is your situation vice versa because if that's the case you two are bound to get lost.' Mitsui finished. It was only then that I witnessed such sadness chipping him up.

I kept quiet. My guards all fell down, leaving me defenseless to this blow that could mean ultimate defeat; Rukawa had given me much more than anyone could give to his lover. It pained me to think I didn't even give a second thought to it when it deserved a million.

'Rukawa must've assumed that you were equally dependent on each other that's why he said 'both' of you would get lost, not just 'I'; it's up to you to answer to that.' Mitsui continued.

'Hisashi, I'm wondering if his words contain even the tiniest evidence that he really loved me. I shouldn't be asking you this, you of all people, but you're the only who can make anything of us both.' I said out of the blue, not caring to answer the question of the subject.

'Know the song 'Love Makes No Promises'? Well, that's pig's fart because love makes all promises; without them no love can last. You can't question what Rukawa had for you after what he made you promise; it's all written there. You really think he'd say that if he didn't give a damn about you? The guy loved you and I'd say loved you enough to knock out all mountains to their base.' Mitsui said.

'He only thought of himself when we were together; everything WAS for the good of him. It was only self love that he had.'

'He needed that to recognize what he really is so he could offer his bare self to you. If he didn't have anything that's true in his self, how would he be able to give anything to you? He needed the time and all those things so if the moment came that you'd ask anything of him, he'd be on the trot to give it to you. He was still inexperienced to show the nature of his feelings for you but man, didn’t he love you good.' Mitsui said as if defending Rukawa from a dangerous calumny.

'He shouldn't have flown off in the first place.'

'He just thought you were too good for him and so he left you. His bad; you're sad.' Mitsui declares as a matter-of-factly.


'You made me forget all the pain of his memories. It's because of you that I still want to live up to now. When Rukawa had gone off the only thing I had in common with the living was the soil beneath us; then you came and filled that gap. And now, you're making me realize why I shouldn't be throwing it all away...'


'Don't forget the pain, Akira; it's the only thing that binds you now. I'm not saying you should languish in the past but we can't deny that it's only through history that we'd be able to find a cure to this poison. Now answer this; is Rukawa what you are to him? Is it only through him that you felt natural as your true self? That would clear your mind on the matter, it'd be better to decide now.' Mitsui said.

'Hisashi, the choice is long over; I chose to forget and to be with you, you know that. Rukawa is now an echo in the distant past that'd never blow its winds back to me. I'm with you because I love you and I know you feel the same.'

'You made that choice when you were still convinced that Rukawa didn't feel for you. I need to hear what's inside that thick skull of yours after learning that I could never love you like Rukawa did, that I could never sacrifice what he had. What was between you two is inimitable, infinite, and even heroic. I could love you for only as long as I live, beyond that, I don't know; compare to what Rukawa offered to you, mine is but an inch of his mile long run. I'm saying this because I feel that it's desecration to be involved in the holiness of your relationship, that my intrusion in it would mark a black spot in its purity. But I love you, and I'd rather be an anomaly between you two than to lose you...I'm sorry.' He broke down. A sigh followed, almost mechanical; a ruckus cry would've exploded but it came splitting down to a silent pond of tears. I wanted to palliate his pain, to hush his suffering with my own but I realized that there was no comfort to it; not at awful times like this.


I sat aloof, thinking for what seemed to be an eternity. I knew Mitsui was right and that he was giving me a choice; to remain faithful to Rukawa's memory or to go on living accompanied by the light of his face, its beauty, and his laughter. I tried to give it a heavy study but my head was out in the cold and my wits weren't about me. I began to feel that I had to be loyal to my word for Rukawa but at the same, the need to keep a close distance to Mitsui was compelling me to retain my decision. I looked at the world around us; nothing could give me an answer. Suddenly, I felt as if the hands of Delirium had sneaked behind my back and pulled my plug in a flash; my engines were shut down to refrain me from thinking straight. My logical senses began to collapse like a tumbled house of cards that'd disappear the moment it touched the floor, until all I could hear was my frightened gasps. Those around me, living or not, were transforming into something stark that darkened in color . Even my body was stiffening until finally nosediving with the pitch black void to further expand its territory. I could no longer see anything that'd fetch me back to Mitsui nor with that world; all I saw ahead was the road to getting lost.


END